grotesque if literal: baby food
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I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.