Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
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I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free