Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
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Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.