Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
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It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
i’m gonna allow it
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.