Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
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I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.