Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
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Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
🤣
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*