Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

[in the car]

4yo: Can my window go down?

Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?

4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?

Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

What Bob, you’re interrupting.

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”