Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

[First Date]

*staring up at the stars

Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”

Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”

*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops

[doing group photography]

ME: now let me take one without the flash

THE FLASH: what the-

REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

* deletes account

*reactivates

AND, ONE MORE THING…

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

😂

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.