GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 馃幎 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
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[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it鈥檚 as I鈥檝e feared [clowns around me take a knee]
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven鈥檛 seen a single zigzag part in anybody鈥檚 hair
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn鈥檛 smoke
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Me: Don鈥檛 talk to me until I鈥檝e had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don鈥檛 drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I鈥檓 Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 馃槒
Her: oh.. 馃槈 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
It鈥檚 so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That鈥檚 what a bird would do!
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.