GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
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Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
When news reporters do sports stories
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Ha
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
At least try to make it slightly believable
