Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”

Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.

Her: “So, are you religious?”

Him: “I’m part Catholic.”

Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”

Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”

#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…

Zombies never bite hipsters.

They taste fine.

We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

Me: You wrote a play?

Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.

Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?

Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…

“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”

I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?

[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!

Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?

Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.