GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: š¶ the circuitās dead, thereās something wrong
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Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I donāt actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Iām sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
My doorbell is the theme from āThe Exorcistā.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isnāt a joke, Sharon
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Todayās affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
āItās a bird! Itās a plane! Itās Superman!ā
āNope.ā
āA spider? An aardvark?ā
āWrong. Itās a horse.ā
āWow. You canāt draw for shit.ā
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Youād think Iād lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
āIf you donāt ask, you donāt getā isnāt always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I am NOT just āa piece of meatā you know. Iām a ribeye steakā¦ a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. Iām pork butt.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3ā¦2ā¦1ā¦
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
āWAIT A SECOND!ā *mumbles* āI need to find pants.ā
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If Iām gonna work at your store for free, Iām picking my own position.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say itās unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know itās bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Why canāt the T-Rex clap itās hands? Because itās extinct.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
2010: Didnāt jog
2011: Didnāt jog
2012: Didnāt jog
2013: Didnāt jog
2014: Havenāt jogged~ This is a running joke
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.