Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.

At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.

Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck

Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am

Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are

Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson

Note to self: I am a note

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

how to have an accident 101

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done

People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*

Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.