Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

I have a black belt in leather

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”

It was nice knowing you all.

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up

ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice

*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*

[cries for 20 minutes]

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

Rooting for the overdog

Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows