GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
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Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.