GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: š¶ the circuitās dead, thereās something wrong
You Might Also Like
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
āMay I have this dance?ā
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Protip: If your spouse says āThanks for the helpā when you didnāt do anything donāt reply āYouāre welcomeā.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
āDad this is better than Applebeeāsā
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
You canāt stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
*making a phone call* please donāt pick up please donāt pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] whatās an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Today my youngest has her āpreschool graduation,ā and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But thatās your a-
Me: Lower!
The guy said āViolence is never the answerā and I said āWhat if the question is āWhat is never the answer?āā and he punched me in the face.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because āit canāt be that hard.ā Heās currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
you ok? youāve barely touched your crocissant
[starts Power Point presentation titled āWhy Iām Breaking Up With Youā]
Him: Wait, what theā?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
heās sick of your bullshit today
āYou never forget how to ride a bikeā sounds like a dare to me.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Me: Still thinks Iām young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
My toxic trait is my personality or so Iāve been told.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ānail appointmentā in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but theyāve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so Iām good now.
āI just died in your armsā sounds much more romantic than āYouāre holding a dead body.ā
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no itās always wet & salty on my face, Iām fine