Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting

An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!

Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

A Brit accepting a compliment:

“I like your coat”

“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”

As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.

FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel

Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars

80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.

If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.

Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

Let’s play a game.

What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.

A: A teddy bear

B: A blanket

C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

“What’s this switch for?” he asked.

“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”

Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?