Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up

Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?

[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]

all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.

MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.

MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

[January 1, 0000]

Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?

Mary: so weird

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn

Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out

“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”

This is no longer winter this is harassment

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

oh sorry i cant im busy that day

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.