GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
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Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
🙁
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
how to have fun when you’re poor
normalize having existential bread
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.