Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

[Nightcap]

Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.

Her: It’s….a….nice.

Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old

If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials, it’s that only attractive people take showers.

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island

Wife: you mean deserted?

Me: no

Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text

Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft

When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.

The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.

I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

looks legit

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.

the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.