Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.

After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.

*crunch*
too salty

*crunch*
this one is broken

*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry

*crunch*
not salty enough

*crunch*
broken again