Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
