Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Pickled cat.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
tag yourself
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
