“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
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What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”