Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.

The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.

Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?

ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about

KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?

ME: change the wi-fi password

KID: nonononono I’m sorry

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.

My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket

wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes

I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.