“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
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It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Best seat on the street 😍
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan