“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
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Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text