Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles

“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.

4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!

Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!

Like I’d ever share my wine with her.

When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like

One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”

Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?

Hub: Agreed

Me: Wait, where are you going?

Hub: Fishing. See you Monday

American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

wife: did you vacuum under the couch

me: yep I did the whole basement

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”

I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.

News: Gas shortage

Me: Haha

News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage

Me: NO

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.