Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
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So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.