Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
You Might Also Like
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later