Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

“I’m gonna call it a day.”

– God, naming things

i love meeting boys on tinder

I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

Pete: I’m Pete

Peter: I’m Peter

Me, competitive: I’m Petest

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

What.

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin

her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say