Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
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Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
this will hang in the louvre one day
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
When someone says you are so lazy
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle