Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.

Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?

Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

Me: *pulls a glass push door*

Wife:

Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*

Wife:

Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door

Wife: *nods* weird door

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”

*BLOCKED*

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.

Librarian: Oh, like the author!

Me: Huh?

Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!

Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.

Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)