Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
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These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
A male goth is called a broth.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Inside you there are two wolves
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley