(grounding my kid) go outside.
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I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!