(grounding my kid) go outside.
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One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Brands during Pride
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.