(grounding my kid) go outside.
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Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
The key to being in a cult is joining for the free haircuts and matching outfits, but leaving right before the inevitable “god says I have to sleep with your wife” talk from the leader.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I didn’t know they can drive…
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
British websites use biscuits.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.