(grounding my kid) go outside.
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Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.