(grounding my kid) go outside.
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When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Safety first
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Yes my dude
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
*bites zombie*
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
yall want some gasoline milk
