Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoo shoo! 😂

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

Me: Just call me loaded fries!

Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉

Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..

rich people when they have to pay taxes

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’

-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.

The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

Bakery worker: Can I get you something?

Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried