Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count

By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.

The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.

“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”

not going to work.

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.