Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.

People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.

Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.

I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count