Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

This is the one

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*

Him: *Drives away*

Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”

No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1196088649538056192/pu/vid/1248x706/7n-pNiHnuLHXTzcK.mp4?tag=10

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.

I miss third grade.

Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.