Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler

T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.

stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before

stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books

Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning