Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How I like cutting carbs

Body by sandwich.

Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

I love hard, but I stupid harder.

You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.

couldn’t resist

When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.

I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.

-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.

Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

Pro: he does community service

Con: it’s court-mandated

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

If you aren’t imagining that there’s a little fireman inside you releasing a fire hydrant with one of them big wrenches when you pee, what are doing?

Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

[Headless Horseman birthday party]

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.