Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺

People: Let us know if you need help!

Me: Okay I need help

People:

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

17 animal photos that will make you do a double take

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

i made a craigslist ad !

Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.

In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

Botany good plants lately?

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

My stupid belt shrunk again today.

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.