Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*

[phone buzzes: text from wife]

*slowly puts toilet seat down*

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean

No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.

Wake me when AI does housework

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…

There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.

the person at my job who can decide if im fired: “yeah so celebrities actually go to a secret starbucks underground in a series of tunnels to get their coffee”

Brilliant!

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

stop it stop it don’t cook him stop

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

[2 monkeys in a bath]

Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!

Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t

Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret