Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.

Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not

ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today

ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE

ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.

If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.

my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.

“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

Anything is free if you can outrun security.

The more you know.

The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo

“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”

-Pants

As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.