I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
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As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point