Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you

Me: *sighing* again?

Boss: again

Me: *spins his chair*

Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

I was standing in the train station when some guy came up and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.

Do that thing I like.

Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.

*googles how the hell I ended up here*

I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters

Wordle is trying to tell me something

⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.

Casual sex robots have rebooty calls

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.

My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a 10, but imaginary

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.

Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical