A guy just came into this restaurant by himself, ordered a plate of olives, ate them, and left. If you see something, say something.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
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MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Oh, you’re a ceiling fan? Name three ceilings.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Dude on tv just said, “Where there’s fat, there’s flavor.”
He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.