@ObscureGent

Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.

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@juliussharpe

A guy just came into this restaurant by himself, ordered a plate of olives, ate them, and left. If you see something, say something.

@panmidwest

MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!

ME: that is sound advice

@jonnysun

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

@nash_official

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

@SnizzleFrizzle

Dude on tv just said, “Where there’s fat, there’s flavor.”

He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.

@Lisa_Laughs_

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

@HenpeckedHal

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

@Probgoblin

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

@ranndrew

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.