Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
You Might Also Like
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I hope it’s French Onion!
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something