Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies

People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?

Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…

I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire

The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

Why is it spelled camouflage and not

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.