Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The good news: She actually gave me her number

The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away

Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.

I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.