Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

I only eat vegetarians.

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”

*later at the abandoned mine*

Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.

Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.

No weirdos.

Story of my life…..

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos