Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”

i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve

I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.

I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”

If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.⁣

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.

Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William

If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.

waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”