Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: what’s our criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture

“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

DOC: We got your blood tests back

ME: Is it small pox like I thought?

DOC: No, it’s even worse

ME: What could be worse than small pox?

DOC: Big pox

ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business

Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi:

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)

Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.