[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
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Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
the noise i just made
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail