Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time

Dear Diary,

I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.

‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.

Smells like a challenge to me

Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

Please vote for people who are attractive

People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?

[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

Friday

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*