[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
You Might Also Like
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Erm…
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”