[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
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My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I have taken up painting
Guantanamo Bae
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?