Grow up never but we old may grow we
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[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Choose your fighter
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.