Grow up never but we old may grow we
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“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Worth remembering.
