Grow up never but we old may grow we
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God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.