Grow up never but we old may grow we
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the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Made something I’m not proud of
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse