Grow up never but we old may grow we
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Ad placement of the day
#ooh
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
58.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.