Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.

Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

April 1st is the class clown of days.

Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”

Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?

Me: the hospital.

Wife: what happened?

Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.

Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.

Me:

Wife:

Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

The bath is too wet

– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas