Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
You Might Also Like
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…