Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?

Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate

Unexpected Judgment

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.

TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.

[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]

The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages

You see my problem here

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

anyone else like Italian cereal

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.

“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”