Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
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So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
My favorite female superhero
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway