Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”

If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.

Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

*On a 1st date*

Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉

Them: We’re having a picnic

Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.

Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.

Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday

8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?

Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!