Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
You Might Also Like
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
!!!!!!!!!!!
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?