Growing out my freckles.
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[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
These are too funny not to post 😂
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
shazam but for random noises outside
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
#Caturday