Growing out my freckles.
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My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman