Growing out my freckles.
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my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.