Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
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honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Breaking news:
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
My new favorite headline
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success