Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
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Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Nomnomnomnom
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]１９.９８
[very gently]
１９.９９
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]３７.８３
GODDAMMIT
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on