Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.

Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!

STORY TIME

my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.

one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked

“are you tan from the sun!?”

and i said

“no i’m nate from earth”

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

Oh, you have ‘haterz.’

Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.