Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

my New Year’s Eve plans:

– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do

I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭

Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*

1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

Matthew was born for this.