Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
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*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
How funny!
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.