Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.

You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.

closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad

Netflix: We have Less

[Throwing change in a well]

Me: I wish you well.

Well: I already am a well.

wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”

Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”

My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

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