Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids

[speed dating]

Her: THIS IS NICE

Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO

Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?

Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED

one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague

If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.

That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.

– Every kid ever.

Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing

Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.