Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
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If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
He just like my cat fr
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Ironic
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult